♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
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Holt, what's up with the hair?
Thanks for noticing.
Hair growth shots.
There's side effects: anal leakage.
No problem. Tampons work for guys, too.
Our friend, Holt.
Ahoy, shipmates!
I'm here to announce that our boat for the river race
is officially ready.
Okay, we got, uh, me, Lester and, uh, Rachel Maddow here.
So all we need now is a fourth guy for our boat,
and we'll be tasting free beer at the Stool for a year.
W-We didn't, uh, we didn't ask you, Cleveland,
because of what, uh, Lester said.
Oh?
You're a jackass, bear, you know that?
What I had said was that maybe we ought not to ask you
because most of your blacks... not all,
not all... don't like boats.
Water, neither.
No, it's ice skating we don't like.
Oh.
I'll race with you sumbitches.
We are so going to win this thing!
Free beer for a year at the Stool!
Oh. I'm leaking.
Why is it so damn hot in here?
And cold?
Why is so damn hot and cold in here?
Oh, baby, you're burning up.
Let me take your temperature.
Oh, boy, here it comes.
No, honey. Remember, we don't do it that way anymore.
Praise the Lord!
Sweet beets and peanut meat!
102! We're getting you to bed right now.
No! I can't be sick now!
I got to be at school.
I got two ducks to color in.
I'm supposed to learn how to make a lower-case "G."
And I'm line leader, Mama.
If those kids are crooked, it's on my head!
I'm sorry, baby. You are staying home
till you get over this thing.
The hell I am!
Now, I am going to school 'cause I feel perfectly...
Oh, God!
God, please get me out of this!
Oh, God, please? I'm sorry for everything.
I just want to feel better.
You got your four stations.
Hand cranks work in conjunction with the pedals.
It's the same engineering as a Geo Metro,
but less embarrassing to drive.
Lester, don't take this the wrong way,
but if we lose the chance to win free beer
because of your boat, I will eat you!
We just need to pedal in a pattern.
Left, left,
left, right, left,
right, right, right, right,
right, right, left.
Breathe.
Repeat.
Left, left,
left, right, left,
right, right, right, right,
right, right, left.
Three dudes who are right about everything:
Kutcher, Jim Rome, Cleveland Brown.
I move to make Cleveland the captain of our team.
I second!
Couldn't vote for one in '08, can't do it now.
Yo, Cleveland!
We got an installation up in Stoolbend Estates.
Oh. Like a multimedia piece of art?
What?
I'm coming.
Hello?
Come on in!
Someone is living la vida richa!
I'm back here!
What's up, fellas?
Smells awful in here!
No!
It smells like four Super Bowl rings in here!
I don't mean to stare,
but you're Barry Shadwell, the only guy from Stoolbend
ever to make it to the NFL!
You were my boyhood idol.
Well, you and Gene Gene the Dancing Machine.
Hey, that's pretty good.
Say, would you mind reaching in that cabinet
and grabbing me some TP?
I would be honored.
What brings you to Stoolbend?
A U-Haul and a late period.
Ha-ha! I'm just kiddin'.
I use Mayflower!
Hey, how's that TP coming?
Here you go.
Touch-Brown!
Just breathe into the bag, baby.
Now, tell me what happened.
I met Barry Shadwell!
Pittsburgh Steelers.
You know, the king of the late hit.
I have his book,
I Never Understood the Rules: The Barry Shadwell Story.
Did you say you met Barry Shadwell?!
I didn't know you like football.
Football? He's an actor.
He could help me get into showbiz.
Remember his pasta sauce commercials?
Say, your dinner need a late hit?
That's how you tackle a hungry crowd.
Mmm.
That's not just good, that's Barry good.
So get yourself a sack.
Of sauce.
Shadwell's... the only pasta sauce that comes in a sack.
And then during nap time,
the cops busted in and arrested
the music teacher for peddling files...
or something like that.
Then we found a whole bunch of popcorn
in the bathroom and ate it.
Oh, man, I had to get sick on the best day ever!
So, how are you feeling, man?
Not good.
In case I don't make it through this,
Walt, you get my afro pick, my bullet collection,
and my picture of a boob.
Julius, you get nothing.
I think we both know why.
Your cable's working just fine.
Well, thanks, Cleveland. It was awfully nice of you
to come back out here and check it out,
even though there was nothing wrong with it and I didn't call you.
Why would you have? Huh?
Put on a helmet, damn it!
I told you, pain is the only thing that reminds me I'm alive.
That's my ex-stepson, Larry.
What he needs is a girlfriend!
Well, I could fix him up with my stepdaughter Roberta.
She loves white idiots!
I can see it now.
After further review,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride,
and by rule, you may have contact beginning tonight.
First down.
You know, Larry was gonna be
my shipmate for that Stoolbobber Regatta,
but then the little turd-ball backed out on me.
Hey, you look pretty strong. Why don't you be my partner?
Unless you got other plans.
Well, actually...
Don't screw over your friends, Cleveland.
Oh, hi, Miniature Daryl Hall.
The guys are counting on you,
and you can't just abandon your friends for a better opportunity.
Oh, look at Mr. Solo Album
talking about abandoning friends.
If Barry Shadwell had wanted to be my partner,
you wouldn't be listening to Hall & Oates,
you'd be listening to Shadwell & Oates.
Really? This is your hypothetical,
and you'd still put Shadwell's name first?
You're pathetic.
Kiss my ass, Hall.
Oh, what am I gonna do?
Well, if you abandon your friends, then in my opinion...
♪ You're a bitch, girl, and you've gone too far ♪
♪ 'Cause you know it don't matter anyway... ♪
Those little hit-makers are right.
It doesn't matter anyway.
Nothing matters.
Nothing at all.
So I guess I'll race with you!
Dude, hide the eggs, bro.
They're my nuggets,
and I can tan 'em up whenever I damn well please.
Oh, hey, guys.
Great news.
Cle-bro! Check it out!
Wow, you named the boat after me.
Oh, that's so nice.
But... I've met someone.
Hey, Cleveland!
You ready to go?
Holy crap, it's Al Roker!
That's Barry Shadwell, you idiot.
My friend Barry Shadwell.
I want to get him to sign this paddle.
I'll suggest "Oars truly," but it is up to him.
Uh, at the end of the day.
And, um, maybe I'll say, "Canoe sign this?"
Shut the (bleep) up, Tim.
Yeah! You don't ask Barry Shadwell to sign a paddle.
You ask him to sign your scuba flipper!
I'm so glad you guys are down with Barry Shadwell,
and will thus be understanding
that I'm gonna race with him in the regatta!
Yay! Awesome!
Well, how is that awesome for us?
Your friend gets to ride on a boat
with his hero!
Sweet!
Hooray!
Hey, my ninjas, what's the haps?
Well, Cleveland, it's just, uh, the whole Barry Shadwell thing,
uh, just, uh, kind of makes us
feel like we're second-class...
Bup, bup, bup.
Oh, hey!
Barry Shadwell.
No, I'm not doing anything.
No one important.
A redneck, a midget, and a bear.
No, not a Chicago Bear.
Barry Shadwell.
You see, what I've done is, I've acted out all the parts
in the last three episodes of 'Til Death,
except I inserted jokes.
That sounds really great.
You know, I think I auditioned for that.
That was one of the over 10,000 parts
my agent said I almost got.
Hey, you know who would love to see this? Larry.
Hey, Larry, get your ass in here!
Roberta here made a little video.
Why don't you two watch it on the big screen
in the master bedroom.
What?!
You know, maybe the two of us could...
fool around a little.
Fool around?!
The only "fool around" here is you!
Well, we may as well watch her demo.
I can't believe you're going to spend
our anniversary watching football!
Did you want to watch basketball?
I'll show you a basketball!
I was on Everybody Loves Raymond.
Roberta, what's wrong?
What's wrong? Here I am, innocently trying
to exploit Cleveland's celebrity connection,
and the whole time, he's just trying to pimp me out!
First good idea you had
since you showed up in this piece.
What the hell was that?
It's Rallo. I got him an intercom,
so he doesn't feel left out.
So, how much we getting for the girl?
Shut up, Rallo!
Hey, that's my connection
to the outside world! I exist! Rallo!
Cleveland, I think you owe Roberta an apology.
Okay. I'm sorry.
Look, maybe I pushed things a little too fast,
so let's just slow it down with a nice dinner
for you, me, Barry and Larry.
B-Shad and I already took the liberty of making reservations.
You're going to that dinner alone.
My daughter is not for sale like some Chinese baby.
This is a dream come true.
We're so excited to pick up Mei Ling.
Well, here she is.
No MSG!
What's up, Barry and Larry Shadwell?
Hey, Cleveland!
Where's Larry's lovely lady?
Uh, she...
was murdered last night.
Damn. I guess I'll go home
and watch Swordfish again.
Heh. No reason the two of us still can't have dinner.
We're training for a regatta!
That means "boat race."
Waiter, check this out!
I'm having dinner with Barry Shadwell!
The Barry Shadwell!
I've never heard of Barry Shadwell.
Well, what's your name? Frank Larson.
Barry, have you ever heard of Frank Larson?
Of course. Huge fan, Frank.
How about a steak, please?
I'll also have a steak.
You know what? Just bring the whole cow.
Steak is my second favorite thing to eat.
Wink, wink.
Huh?
Oh... ooh-hoo-hoo!
Oh, I am drunk.
I would not want to be the people driving
on the correct side of the highway tonight.
Hey, I could drive you, Cleveland.
When you've had as many concussions as I've had,
alcohol no longer affects you.
I'm sorry about Roberta.
But if you got a niece with low standards,
I got a fat son.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh!
Uh-oh.
Here, let me get that.
Hey, uh, you got something in your mustache.
What?
Me.
What just happened? What just happened?!
Okay...
...dinner... drinks... then...
and then he kissed me. Oh, God!
Daddy? Aah! Oh!
What the hell, Junior?!
I saw you kiss Mr. Shadwell last night.
Daddy, is there something you wish to tell me?
What? I didn't kiss him! He kissed me!
Okay. But you didn't try to stop him.
Look, he kissed me.
I was surprised.
It's over.
I understand.
So, do you just like kissing football players,
or are all athletes fair game?
For instance, if Hank Aaron was here, would you kiss him?
No!
Michael Phelps?
Hell, no! Oh, Daddy,
I know you're not gay.
You're too fat to be gay.
And you are, too.
Love you, fatty.
Yep, that's true.
Hey, man, uh, we gotta talk.
Look, I'm not gay.
Well, I'm not gay, either.
But it's March, and where I come from,
March is Prison Rules month.
March is?
Hey, man, it's not all my fault.
I mean, you wanted me to kiss you.
What? What on earth would make you think that?
You're jokin', right?
You're always staring at me, you know all my stats,
your voice is slightly gay,
and your mustache is groomed within an inch of its life.
My mustache is for the ladies.
Look, listen, let's forget the kiss ever happened. What kiss?
When you two were on the porch the other night.
Shut up! Shut up!
Don't tell me to shut up, you banana-slammers!
Now, look, what's done is done.
Let's just go win that race tomorrow!
Uh, yeah, man.
I'm not sure about that race.
Why not?
You're gay...
Darlin', sit down... I have something to tell you.
Oh, honey, if it's that you kissed Barry Shadwell,
I know. What?
Your son's been telling the whole town.
That fat son of a bitch.
- CLEVELAND JR. - I may be fat, but I don't kiss boys.
Aah!
Oh, D'na.
What are we gonna do?
What-what'd you call me?
D... D'na?
Cleveland, what's my name?
D'na...
Cleveland, listen up, you're acting like a homophobe.
That's as bad as being a racist.
No, it isn't.
I don't wanna kiss a white man, either.
Look, honey, it's just sexuality.
We're all somewhere on the grid.
I know you're not gay.
You know you're not gay.
Everyone knows you're not gay.
But I'd rather have everyone think you were gay
than think you were a bigot.
Donna!
Well, it's a beautiful day here in Stoolbend, Angus.
Perfect weather for the 35th Annual Stoolbobber Regatta.
We should have convinced the station to cover this.
Good practice, though.
Great practice.
Hey, uh, thanks for filling in at the last minute, Kendra.
You're-you're a regular Dick Sargent.
I just hope we see a mermaid!
Yeah, I saw a mermaid once. Nailed her.
Turned out it was a sea bass.
Whatever. They all look the same on a bed of ice.
What do you say we win this race?
I'm here. I can steer.
Get used to it.
Cleveland! I could kiss you!
Uh-uh.
Boaters, take your marks.
And... go!
They're off!
And immediately, all the boats we don't care about
are out of the race.
The breeze is picking up, so don't expect smooth sailing.
Great farting weather, though.
My Cheez-Its!
Kendra, no!
We need you for balance!
Gentlemen, it has been a privilege
playing with you tonight.
That wind has caused a real chop in the water.
Bad news for notoriously bisexual
Barry Shadwell and his boyfriend du jour, Cleveland Brown.
We're veering off course!
The tiller line broke!
What about the spindlewick?!
No! It's tangled in the flange toggle!
Then what's the reading on the flicker gauge?
16 wampashears!
Prepare to scuttle the mizzen-flume!
The mizzen-flume!
Cleveland!
I'm going overboard!
Cleveland, help me!
They're slipping through my hands.
Hand me that rope, and I'll tie down the tiller!
How am I supposed to reach it?
Use your mouth and pass it to me!
Oh, what the hell.
We won! At what cost?!
Listen, I've been thinking... I just wanted to say...
Please, you go first.
Well, I've been thinking.
We had some fun, but it got pretty weird.
So it's probably best if one of us leaves this town,
and since I've only been here, like, six days,
and you've been here for, like, a year or something...
I think I should go.
Friends?
Without benefits.
Hey, fellas.
Listen, I know I let you guys down,
and I'm sorry.
Denied!
Screw you, traitor!
Oh. And you, Tim? What of Tim?
God forgives; I don't.
Would it make any difference
if I gave you all my "free beer for a year" coupons?
It would make a significant difference.
Well, all right, then.
For the next year...
the beers are on me!
I'm done with beer, anyway.
Hello? Carb city!
Population: my thighs!
What does that mean, Cleveland?
I don't know!
What's happening to me?
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